I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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