he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
