This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
