life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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