I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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