I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
