I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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