The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
