I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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