dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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