Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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