so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
