My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
