i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
