if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
