i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
