my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
