I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
