Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
