Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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