FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
