why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
porn star boner night. come get it.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
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