Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
