mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
