I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
