I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
should my penis look like a turkey
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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