If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
