Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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