She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
