Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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