If that was your dad, he is hot
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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