Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
