She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
