I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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