No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
