According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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