You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
