I wish I only lived at night.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
