Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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