Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
