I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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