you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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