Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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