Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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