I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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