I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
please don't ironically join a cult
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
