Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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