The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
