Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
