wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
