Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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