Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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