I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
